


Can't Spit it Out

by eilharts



Series: Cyberpunk Judy/FemV Stories [5]
Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Explicit Language, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, I deserve it, invisible cars, some canon divergence, yall can read me to filth for those drag queen names
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:34:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28791795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eilharts/pseuds/eilharts
Summary: V and Judy go on the last disaster date together before V goes to Embers. Judy plans a night at a drag show (don't look at me) and the two get wasted like whoa.PS: this one references a lot of the previous stuff in the series, but I won't stop you from reading it anyway. Go for it, you rebel.
Relationships: Judy Alvarez/Female V
Series: Cyberpunk Judy/FemV Stories [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2095428
Comments: 32
Kudos: 134





	Can't Spit it Out

**Author's Note:**

> I know I said I'm taking a break but my mind won't let me. Kudos to @Vulpixer for the Joss scene, cringe with me, friend.
> 
> I swear I'm writing these sober.

V watched the world through the lenses of a glass filled with water. She had her head rested on the bar, looking at Pepe through her drink. Both of them struggled to take each other seriously while looking at the caricatures in front of them. For V, he was a slim giant who wiggled when he moved. For him, she was one more woman goofing off at the bar, watching him through a magnified, slow-blinking eye.

“You’re lucky Mama Welles isn’t here to beat your ass, hermana.” He rested his elbows on the bar and glanced back to the wet spot on the floor. “Five Tiger Claws, shredded into cuts of meat. Never had to clean such a mess in my entire life.”

“Hey, I helped out,” V sounded offended. “Dragged them out in garbage bags. Literally took out the trash.” The mess was so bad she had to borrow some clothes from Pepe. He had a clean stash in the storage, keeping the clothes around for forgetful patrons who’d come looking for them.

He glared at her momentarily, but couldn’t maintain his annoyance. She did save him from a bullet to the brain after all, however messy her methods were. “Sure you don’t want something other than water?”

The slow-blinking eye watched him creepily. “You know how I get when I drink. Can’t deal with that right now, my girl is pickin’ me up. Pepe? Pepe. I got a date.”

“Again? You mean someone is willing to put up with your bullshit for longer than a week? Color me impressed.”

She raised her head from the bar and narrowed her eyes at him. “You’re givin’ me a lot of shit for someone who hadn’t noticed what was happening to his wife for _ten_ fucking _years_. AH!” A rag flew into her face and she nearly fell off her stool.

“Alright, you made your point.”

Johnny casually smoked his cig sitting on the floor right at her feet. When she wobbled on the stool, he reflexively dodged and moved away. “Keep your chromed ass seated, you could have given me a concussion. Nearly flatlined me.”

Pepe watched her throw the rag at nothing. “Eh, V? You okay?”

“Just peachy.” She sipped her water and checked the time. She hoped Judy was alright because she was already running a bit late. “Hey, Pepe. I wanna hear your honest opinion about somethin’.”

“Shoot.”

“When you look at me, do you immediately think I’m the type to run around with scissors and end up hurt? Do I seem like trouble to you?”

“Yes,” the bartender and the rock star said in unison.

“Nobody asked you a damn thing,” she shot back at the voice in her head and Johnny gave her the middle finger.

“What brought this on?” Pepe asked, studying her with concern. “Did something happen, chica?”

“Nothing of concern,” she lied, not wanting to talk about the mess that awaited with Hanako at Embers. “I just thought…Everything I touch turns to shit.” She drummed her fingers nervously on the bar. “You’ve been hitched for a while now,” she said, avoiding eye contact like it meant certain death, “and I could really use some advice on how not to fuck up the only good thing in my life right now.”

Pepe fought valiantly against the smile that kept clawing at his face, but lost the battle pretty early when he noticed the blush on V’s cheeks. “You want romantic advice? From me?!” He threw his head back and roared with laughter, attracting many curious gazes.

Trying to calm him down was impossible, so V slouched in her seat and watched him go off, impatiently tapping at her wrist to make him stop.

“So, from one not so observant person to another,” she said, leaning in conspiratorially. “What’s your secret? Should I give her flowers? What do you people even do for anniversaries? How much can you change about someone’s apartment before it’s an actual intrusion that will result in me being kicked out?”

Pepe wiped the tears from his eyes and touched his belly to suppress the remaining giggles. “Ah, I can’t believe…” Taking out a bottle of gin, he poured himself a shot and downed it. “So, you wanna talk shop about relationships? Big bro Pepe’s got your back.”

“That’s not a good thing, I think.” Johnny sat down next to her, leaning in to hear the infinite wisdom of the bartender.

“Flowers are ancient, forget about them. Anniversaries are a bitch at first, but you will find your rhythm eventually. I take my wife to this rooftop restaurant and order the best creamy deserts they have. She loves that stuff. Doesn’t eat it much otherwise, so we made it our special occasion.”

V looked skeptical. “That’s it?”

“If only I knew this before Alt and Rogue got pissed at me,” Johnny pretended to be enlightened. “Should have ordered some caramel deserts at a gas station when we cruised the city for fun.”

Pepe nodded, all serious. “Yep. Depends on the woman, of course. The trick is to make it as special as you can – give her what she wants and cancel all your other plans for the day.”

“Lemme stop you right there, big bro.” V made a grimace. “Think what you’re trying to say is to be attentive and prioritize each other. Got that right?”

“Yes, but you wanna spoil her with material gifts as well.”

“Such as?”

“The best wine, a book she always wanted, a dress you caught her admiring – you name it. What do you think your girl would like?”

“If we ever make it that far…” Johnny scoffed at that, but she willingly ignored him and the anxiety building up in her gut. “I’d give her some sweet tech. Let her have a vanilla version so she can tweak it as much as she likes.”

“But first you’d appear at her doorstep in a corpo slut outfit and try to sell it to her for a fair price. You can’t punch me, V, save it for the scavs.”

Pepe poured himself another shot. “Crazy kids these days…seeing shit… asking for advice…”

V composed herself and acted like nothing happened. “Saw a fly. Anyway! What about the apartment changes?”

“What did you do?” he asked, sighing wearily.

V shrugged. “Nothing…just…her laundry is one big heap on the bathroom floor and it keeps growing. Soon all kinds of life forms will crawl out of there to start a colony. And don’t even get me started on the oil stains and the crumbs she leaves on the counter.”

“So the changes are just…cleaning?”

“Yes. I tried to do it for her multiple times, but she physically dragged me away from it. One time, I thought I was being sneaky. Did that at night when she was already sleeping. I cleaned the window until it was all nice and sparkly, but Pepe? Have you ever done that with a weak head lamp as the only light source in a completely silent apartment?” She made circular wiping motions in the air. “Every. Damn. Squeak. Felt like a gunshot in a warehouse full of sleeping psychos. And then she caught me.” Johnny was laughing, not even able to finish his cigarette. “Scared me pretty good. Come to think of it, most women in my life enjoy doing that.”

“Tell me more.” Pepe encouraged her, hiding his love for gossip behind good-natured bartender act.

“There is this big-titty digital woman who scares me half to death, but her voice does things to me.”

Johnny immediately stopped laughing. “Hey!” Seeing the smug expressing V tried to hide behind her glass, he muttered, “Fucking hell, V. Thirst over your own damn woman, will ya?”

“I think it’s your influence,” V said, setting her drink down. “I feel this giddy feeling when I’m near her, and it sure as hell ain’t mine. You’re a total puppy on the inside and you need to accept it.”

Pepe cleared his throat, trying to forget the confession. “Okay, so. Who is this chica you are seeing?”

V’s face lit up at the thought of her girl. “Her name’s Judy. She’s brilliant, Pepe. I bet she could build a rocket from what’s left in the junkyards. She’s funny and cute, especially when she does this thing with her nose when she is annoyed – it crinkles up a bit, it’s so adorable.” She sighed dreamily. “I really love her.”

The bartender smiled. “I was exactly the same with my Cynthia when we got hitched. Couldn’t shut up about her.” He laughed at some distant memory. “Did you tell her already?”

V sobered up. “No.” _How could I?_ It felt like emotional guilt-tripping. Besides, wasn’t it a bit too soon to bring out the L word? Sure, they already jumped five steps ahead with the lesbian U-Hauling, but still…

V showed her through her actions instead. The words hid in small gestures like caresses, massages after a long night at Lizzie’s, feeble, but well-meaning attempts at cooking something healthy, or rarely entering her apartment empty-handed. It weighed heavily in the air when they made love, and it screamed from any attempt to protect her from anyone who even dared to look at her funny.

Pepe saw someone rush to them and gave her an encouraging nod. “No time like the present, then.”

Judy came in and grabbed V’s arm, pulling her off her stool. “C’mere. We need to jet.” With that, she began dragging the merc out, taking impossibly long steps that left V stumbling to keep up with her.

“Thanks, Pepe!” she shouted back and waved at him seconds before the door closed.

“Get in the van,” Judy ordered as she pulled the door open for her.

“At least give me some candy, dude.” V just barely avoided the playful swat aimed at her shoulder and sat down.

Judy shut the door with a bit more force than was necessary and climbed up to the driver’s seat. “We’re on the clock if we want to get good seats.”

“Seats?”

Johnny was stuck in the back and swore wildly when Judy hit a bump. He went flying, glitching out of the van. “V, do your thing. Set this ride on fire, please. Or make it disappear.”

Judy nearly ran over a pedestrian and they could hear the man’s high-pitched scream slowly dying out as they raced forward. “Got us tickets to a drag show.” She shot V a curious look and found her looking back in excitement. “Thought we could have someone else dressing up for us for a change.”

“You got us tickets to a drag show?” There was a small pause of pure disbelief. ”I’VE NEVER BEEN TO A DRAG SHOW!”

Judy laughed. “Atta girl! Love the enthusiasm.”

The L word threw V off her groove. It sounded so good when it came from Judy’s mouth. Panicked, she started playing with the radio.

 _♫_ _I swallow all my drugs 'til the pain is unplugged_ _♫_

“Do you hear the word ‘penis’ in this lyric or is it just me?” V asked, genuinely curious.

Judy patted her knee, eyes focused on the road. “We need a ripper to check your hearing, calabacita. Throwin’ grenades around all day isn’t doin’ you any good. Should I be worried? First you nearly fall into a guy’s lap, then you get a mysterious dick sticker on your car and blame it on a kid…”

“Ha-ha.” V pinched the bridge of her nose.

“And now you’re hearin’ stuff about wieners on the radio. I won’t judge if you have something to say, V, for as long as I’m the only one you play with.”

The merc refused to dignify that with a response.

“I heard it, too,” came a labored confession from the back, followed up by more swearing. “His penis unplugged. It’s a cautionary tale about Mr. Studd, ghost-written by that flaming crotch guy.”

“Okay, we’re here. Go stand in the line while I park the van.” Judy leaned in and gave her a quick peck on the lips. “Tickets are here.”

V took the sleek, shiny slips of paper from her and saluted. She ran out and was astounded by the line dragging on through half of the street.

“Get your gun out and shoot at their toes,” Johnny pointed his finger gun at the closest person and jerked it back in a fake recoil. “I wanna see these drag queens lip sync to my songs, damn it.”

“Never took you for a fan.”

“Maybe it’s your own damn excitement getting to me. I don’t know. All I’m certain of is that we won’t get inside if you choose to wait around.”

V tapped her foot and looked at her nails, trying her best not to seem suspicious. The neon lights of the ramen shop nearby sizzled and went out with a brush of sparks. People standing under them screamed and ran off as a small fire broke out. V let the same happen to a few other shops and soon the sidewalk was cleared. When Judy appeared by her side, she took her hand and urged her to run. As a result, the dramatic cut in the line had them inside in no time.

The club was a spacious bar bathed in pink and blue neon lights with a long runway jutting out of the podium. Judy led her to the last front seats available and the two tried hard not to manspread and sit normally.

“Cocktail, honey?”

V looked up and saw a petite drag queen standing next to Judy with a tray of drinks with pretty little umbrellas. Judy smirked and took two. “Don’ mind if I do.” She handed one to V. “That’s a really great skirt, by the way,” she said, looking down at the frilly flower skirt that had a subtle glow running through the thick threads.

“Sweet talker,” the entertainer pretended to be smitten and walked away.

V twirled the umbrella in her fingers and stuck it behind Judy’s ear. “You look like you’re right at home.”

Judy seemed a bit annoyed, but didn’t move a muscle to remove it. “Went here often with Ev. She was positively obsessed with this stuff. Tipped everyone like she didn’t need to eat.” Falling silent, she twirled her own umbrella, setting it behind her other ear. “Do I look pretty enough for you?”

“You’re disgustingly cute.” V watched her down her drink with two gulps. “Forgot you’re driving?”

Judy choked a little and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “Ooops. Will sober up by the time we leave, don’ worry. Or you could just not drink yours.” She tried to take the glass, but V raised it up, far from her reach.

“Nope, it’s mine. Fuck it, we’ll call a cab.”

The show started, eliciting screams and applause. V was practically stuck to Judy’s side, laughing and singing along. Judy felt the last bits of her introversion leave her body as more alcohol was served and soon she was on V’s level of unabashed enjoyment of the arts.

“And so I come to this guy’s place like,” the blonde-wigged drag queen called Britney Sparks said as she approached the first row, looking directly at V. Her gilded chrome finger beckoned for her to come forward to the stage and Judy shoved her when she hesitated.

“Come here, girl. You’re gonna play the bitch.” She placed V next to her and looked her over. “Act like you have zero brain cells and enough muscle weight to lift a Militech truck over your head.”

V puffed up her cheeks, threw her shoulders back and flexed her arms. Britney nodded in approval. “Yes, that’s perfect, honey. Oh no, that was _not_ a compliment.” V just smirked arrogantly, staying in character, which earned her some laughs.

“So I come to his home – let’s call you Steve, that’s uh…fitting name for what you’re doing right now. Okay, Steve opens the door and greets me like a porn star, leaning on the side of the door like – yes, just like that – and goes ‘ _Hey._ ’ Then he tries that annoying shoulder touch, making lovey-dovey eyes at me, thinking that shit actually works.”

V did just that and what started as a joke had the entertainer entranced for a split second while V even waggled her eyebrows for good measure. Meanwhile, Judy was sputtering behind her hand.

“I’m sorry, my mind just went brrrrr.” The drag queen mimicked something running away from her. “Go away, you’re confusing my sexuality.” When V went back to her seat, the entertainer crossed her fingers. “I swear that never happened before. I NEED A GUY TO PLAY STEVE! Oop, I see you, bitch. Don’t try to run away from me.” What followed was a chase of the only guy in a pink top around the stage.

Couple drinks later and both women were wasted. They somehow got on the stage to play a bachelor game with Cyber Netty -the petite drag queen from earlier- acting like a hot single. V and Judy were two of five contending bachelors playing assigned roles. V’s was simple: ‘ _A really clueless virgin’_ and Judy had a card saying ‘ _Has a_ _g-string that is too tight’._

“Bachelor number three!”

Judy squirmed and tried to get comfortable on her chair, swiftly throwing one leg over the other with a pained expression on her flushed face. “Yeah?”

“If we went on our honeymoon, where would you take me and why?”

The techie squirmed some more. “God, fuck, I dunno.” She ‘accidentally’ let her hand touch V’s thigh as she lifted herself up on her seat and went to squat on it. The merc sat up straight, acting as if the touch scorched her through her clothes. “Somewhere comfy, with no oppressive forces in sight.”

“Ah, I see. You believe in some higher power? Chakras and stuff?”

“I believe in flexibility, girl.” She tried her best to wink but failed, closing both eyes at once while V was watching her shyly out of the corner of her eye. Honestly, they both might have been enjoying this a bit too much.

Cyber Netty blinked at her back. “Ooh, I like the sound of that. Bachelor number four!”

V smiled innocently. “Hi.”

“If you had me all to yourself in a seedy hotel room, what would you do?” she asked breathlessly.

V’s eyes widened and she started to tug at her sleeves. “I, uh, I would probably turn on the TV? So we could watch a flick or something?”

Cyber Netty gave the audience the ol’ _are you fucking serious_ look and turned back to V. “No, you didn’t get me, love. Imagine me naked on the bed, spread out just for you. I have a plethora of toys around me, some already used.” That provoked quite a few scandalized shouts along with one “You go, guuuurrl!” followed by finger snapping from a straight guy whose output looked at him as if she saw the second coming of Christ.

V’s nervous laughter seemed a bit too genuine to Judy, as if she was reliving some weird, heated memory. “Oh, wow. Wouldn’t want to interrupt, err… I would shut the door and delta the fuck out of there.”

Judy took that opportunity to plop down into her lap and pretend that the new cushion worked like a charm. V let out a funny little scream and Judy had to fight hard with herself not to kiss her.

“I couldn’t play this role even if my life depended on it,” Johnny said, sitting on a sixth chair that wasn’t really there like he was one of the contestants, “but it does suit _you_. I remember you ran out of that hotel room like your ass was on fire.”

Cyber Netty ended up picking bachelor number one, whose role was ‘ _Dracula who is horny for the sun’_. Somehow the guy managed to pull it off.

While the performers enjoyed a small break, V sent out messages she would later regret. Takemura was in for a treat. She sent him a still of someone puking into an abandoned stiletto that went flying during a lip sync battle, saying that this was basically his reaction to any food in Night City. Judy talked her into taking pictures with her prompt from the bachelor game, making several rude gestures with her fingers and her tongue. Judy then proceeded to send it to River with a caption saying _My pervert streak is not done yet_ , and V was blissfully oblivious of this act of treason until the next morning _._ The cop responded immediately with a bunch of blushing emojis. Mama Welles accidentally got an ominous message saying _I know what you did,_ which would probably cause the most trouble out of all of these poor decisions. Kerry was happy to hear that she was partying, even though he appreciated the still of her biting Judy’s lower lip slightly less. At least now he knew he had nothing to fear from her.

At the end of the show, they both tipped generously and left in a fit of giggles, struggling to walk in a straight line. Arm-in-arm, they ventured into the parking lot.

“Honey, where did you leave the car?” V asked in a posh accent.

“’Twas right here.” Judy gestured to the empty spot and squinted at it as if the van had cloaking. “Hol’ up, did your curse strike again?” V looked at her innocently. “Dude, my van!”

“’S here somewhere,” V gestured to the half-empty lot. “Come on, it can’t hide from us!” Her voice changed to that of a thriller narrator’s. “Nothing can escape from the sights of detective Booty and her loyal partner officer Steve.”

“Ugh, stooop. Why ‘r we even lookin’…” _hic!_ “when neither of us can” _hic!_ “drive?”

“Aww, hiccups! Forget the van, les fin’ some vending machine. You need water.”

Judy didn’t know how, but they made it down the street to the first vending machine in sight. V tried to get them both cans of Real Water, but the thing refused to yield them. She punched it angrily and one can slipped out, rolling down the street and stopping in the middle of the road.

“Are you gonna,” _hic!_ “get that?” Judy asked, anxiously watching for traffic.

V casually walked down to the crosswalk, hands deep in her pockets. She made a few steps and ended up sprawled on the road under a red MaiMai whose owner turned out to be a clown with a grenade for the nose. Judy rushed to her side, rubbing at her eyes to make sure she wasn’t hallucinating.

V raised her hand, holding the can of water high in the air like it was the Holy Grail. “Got it!”

Ozob made a beeline for her and helped her stand up. “Sheesh, you look thorough shitfaced. Heh. Finally loosening that stick up the ass?” He looked over at Judy. “You two are friends?”

“Yup.” Judy gave her a mock punch in the jaw that turned into a gentle caress upon contact with skin. “Jus’ reaaaaly good choombas that occasionally make out.” She paused, remembering something V mentioned. “The gonk got beaten up by a clown once, wazzat you?”

V realized that her output’s speech was relatively fine again and wondered if her getting hit by that questionably designed vehicle scared the hiccups away. She shot the car a dirty look, noticing the ‘ _El Diablo’_ sticker on it. Fitting.

Ozob raised his hands in defense when he noticed the protective anger in Judy’s eyes. “Whoa, now. That was an arranged fight for eddies. Going by what I’ve heard, she got her ass beat by pretty much anyone besides the twins.”

A traffic jam was forming behind them. V put her arm around Judy’s shoulders and waved Ozob goodbye. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Have a good night, bye!” She quickly steered Judy away before the clown could roast her some more.

“Let’s find a quiet spot for people watching,” V suggested, switching to take a hold of Judy’s warm hand. Her heart swelled with that amazing and terrifying emotion again and she wondered how to breach the subject. Saying it while shitfaced was definitely not a good idea, though. This had to wait.

They shared the water can as they stood on an elevated area near the entrance to the metro, looking down at the people still stalling on the streets.

“That woman on the bench. What do you think goes through her head?” V pointed at the old lady wearing a hat with bunny ears. She was kicking her feet adorably, watching the ceaseless ads on a holographic billboard.

Judy drank deep to prevent herself from hiccupping again. “She’s wonderin’ whether she should buy her grandkids gorilla arms for Christmas.” She blew an intrusive strand of hair off her face. “Prolly wants them for herself, though. Let’s be real. Grandma’s hugs would be absolutely nova.”

She found another target for V, a kid with a finger so far up his nose it looked painful. “Explain what I’m seein’, please?”

V scanned the child. “Little Robbie is looking for gold, obviously. Watch, he will stick it to a lamppost or an ad display, the little rebel.” The pride she felt in her chest definitely belonged to Johnny.

Judy shivered. The water was cold and she forgot her jacket in the van. Before she could react, V was already taking off the oversized hoodie, telling her to put her arms up. Humoring her, Judy let V bundle her up and snuggle into her side.

“Thanks.” She gave her a peck on the cheek. “Not yours, I take it?” Sure didn’t smell like her.

“No. I had to borrow some clothes patrons left at the bar. Look alive, we have a corpo-rat in a hurry!” A man with a suitcase was speeding away from them. V moved to stand behind Judy and hugged her close. “Run, Dimitri! The goulash is getting cold. Your mama will be pissed!”

They watched the Russian man in distress, gasping when he tripped over the nose-picking boy and face-planted right into his suitcase.

“Teeth saved, lucky guy,” Judy said. “I knocked most of my primary teeth out with that hockey stick we found.” V chuckled at the mental image and Judy gently elbowed her in the gut. “What about you? Never talked about your childhood.”

“I spent most of my childhood being trapped in various dumpsters across Heywood. Kids really loved to bully me. Come to think of it, I probably belong there; I rose from the dead like Jesus, but in a garbage dump. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.”

“Are you insinuating that my taste in women is trash now?”

“Evidently.”

Judy groaned and turned in her arms. “Seriously, woman, you are one of the few good things that came out of this fucking city. And fuck those kids. If we knew each other back then they would’ve caught my hockey stick.”

V grinned as she imagined an angry, toothless mini version of Judy chasing the kids away. “My hero.”

“I am this close to vomiting,” Johnny decided to chime in, standing as far from them as possible.

Ignoring the guy, V leaned in for a slow, sensual kiss while Johnny made vomiting noises in the background. They broke apart as V’s phone beeped, showing messages from Joss of all people.

“Huh, it’s River’s birthday soon.”

The mention of the guy made Judy scrunch up her nose. “Preem, let him invite you to a party and cook for you again. Maybe the birthday cake will be heart-shaped. Maybe you’ll find a ring in it.” She relaxed when V shut her up with another kiss, deciding to give the guy a chance. “Ugh fiiine. Need help gettin’ a gift?”

“I think Joss has some ideas…”

V gave her phone to Judy.

_It’s my brother’s birthday this Friday_

_We’re planning a party and you’re invited!_

_After all, you are a part of the family now :)_

Judy thought this was a bit too sweet. Sure, she had V move in right after they committed to each other, but this woman barely knew the merc, despite all the help she provided with finding Randy.

_If you’re looking for a gift, I got some ideas ;) ;)_

_A little lacy outfit can go a long way. I know someone who can sell it cheap._

_Hope that saved you some time looking for gifts. Call me when you’re able_

“What the ever loving fuck on a shit stick is this _pendeja_ thinking?!”

“She’s been daydreaming about me in lacy underwear. A prophetic vision.” When that only irritated Judy further, V poked her side. “Come on, don’t you get it? He still didn’t tell her about me dumping him.”

“Well, clearly we need to fix that.” Judy moved to stand beside V, one arm thrown around her hip possessively. “Say cheese.” Still somewhat drunk, both made faces into the camera of V’s phone, throwing in a peace sign like a bunch of teenagers. Judy sent the pic to Joss with a message reading:

_Yo. This is her output. Mind your own damn business._

“That ought to do the trick,” Judy smiled in satisfaction. “Don’t make that face, calabacita. I could have sent her a still that would have traumatized her straight ass for life. Didn’t even kiss you. See? I can be merciful.” Except yeah, she totally sent her one of the pics they took at the bar as well. V didn’t need to know that yet, though.

“Pretty sure I’m not invited to the party now,” V said, wiping the phantom tear from her eye.

“What a tragedy.”

“Think of the cake, woman. The cake!”

“We can get one for ourselves and make our own party.” Judy took the merc’s hand and started walking back to the parking lot. “We’ll load up the worst rom-com flicks and open up a bottle. Don’t need anyone else.”

V smiled at the thought. It would have to wait until the whole business with Mikoshi was settled, and who knew how that would turn out. Still, it was a nice thing to look forward to.

“Okay, where the fuck is my van?!” Judy gestured to the now empty parking lot. V felt like fainting. This never happened with other people’s vehicles before.

“I think I see skid marks over there. Maybe that’s the van?” V scanned the area and followed the trail past the wire fence. “Someone sure was in a hurry.”

They ran up the street, losing the trail on a cross road. “Fuck, why don’t you have a tracker on the thing?”

“V? I have a _van_. If I had a tracker, the NCPD would be on my ass day and night, checking whether I had bodies stacked inside.” Judy put her hands on her hips, looking around with little hope. Her van. Her precious van that she calibrated to the tiniest details. The van that Evelyn hated so much and teased her about relentlessly. And now it was gone. “Fuck me…”

Feeling guilty, V rushed through the crosswalk to get to her side. The lights went out momentarily and she scraped herself off the road, backing away from the red MaiMai that appeared out of nowhere. “Motherfucker, again?!

Ozob poked his head out of the window. “Went to get food. You’re still dicking around here?” He looked over at the angry techie standing by the door, feeling a sense of dread. “Can I help you?”

“Get. Out.” Judy yanked the door open and grabbed the clown by his armored vest, pulling him close until they were eye to eye. Even with a deadly weapon on his face, the clown felt small in Judy’s grasp. “You hurt her one more time and I’ll kick you into that storm drain.”

“Yes, ma’am. Understood.”

She pushed him out, making him fall on his ass. V looked alright, thank god for that. The only thing that seemed hurt was her pride. “Get in, V. We’ll drive around until we find it.”

“Yes ma’am,” V said teasingly, helping Ozob stand up. “Listen. Flick me your address and I’ll drive the car to your place tomorrow. Here are some eddies for the trouble.”

“Yeah, sure. I don’t need wheels anyway.” He waved his hand dismissively. “Will take the metro. Are you sure she can drive?”

V shrugged. “We’ll see. Thanks again.”

Judy honked impatiently. The clown loved his ridiculous aesthetic so much that he replaced the default honk sound with an actual loud goat scream which scared half of the pedestrians shitless.

The MaiMai was so small that V couldn’t even sit comfortably. Her legs were cramped in that tiny space that smelled like greasy take-out and sweat. “I’m keeping an eye on NCPD chatter around the area.”

“Good.”

Silence settled between them, only broken by the radio that decided to make things more awkward.

 _♫_ _I'm hooked on a feeeeeling_ _♫_

“This guy sure loves his oldies…” Judy remarked.

 _♫_ _I'm high on believing_

 _That you're in love with meeee_ _♫_

V’s eyes went from the radio to Judy, then back, wondering what would happen if she just switched it off. The silence was deafening as it was though, so she said the first thing that came to her mind, “This car sure is small. Can’t imagine an Animal in one of these.”

“At least you can sit,” Johnny said from the outside, lying on top of the small roof sideways and clinging onto it for dear life.

Judy’s razor-sharp focus was on the road, pushing the car to its limit. V never thought this thing could drift, but she was wrong. They spotted the van after a few minutes and locked onto its rear. “Shoot the tires, V!”

“Are you sure?”

“Just fuckin’ do it!”

V cranked the small, squeaky window down and leaned out, taking aim with her iron. “New update is available for the interface!” Skippy ignored the frantic repeated pressure on the trigger. V wanted to whack the gun against the roof of the car, but opted to yell at him instead. Judy yelled back at her for arguing with her gun and V explained she couldn’t shoot due to a sassy software lock.

“Mierda, just check the glove compartment for a different gun!”

“This thing doesn’t have a glove compartment!” V slapped the tiny drink holder that was placed where the compartment should have been. “How much time left, Skippy?”

The smiling bullet man seemed to feed off her pain. “Remaining time is: approximately sixty seconds. Bum bum de-bum…”

“Check under the seat!” Judy urged through gritted teeth. Goat screams echoed through the streets.

V found a glock there. She took aim and busted the rear tires with two precise shots. Judy stumped on the breaks and the merc nearly went flying through the window. Johnny wasn’t so lucky, though.

V pulled the door open and yanked the driver out onto the concrete, punching him hard enough to send the thief to the dream lands. Judy kicked him to vent some of her stress, but found out she had a lot of it to spare, so V had to pull her away.

“Okay, relax. It’s over now.” V grabbed her shoulders and gave them a gentle squeeze. “So, that was a fun date. Total chaos towards the end, not gonna lie, but I had a blast. We both sober up fast, next time we gotta get proper moonshine.” She kissed Judy’s forehead and felt the techie relax under the touch. “Thank you, Jude. I really needed that.”

“Could’ve gone without getting run over,” Judy said, carefully touching all over V’s body for injuries. “Let’s go home, I need to see you naked to make sure you’re alright.”

V laughed. “I’m sure your intentions are pure, lov-“ She bit her tongue and quickly corrected herself. “Loooovely night. Had lots of fun. Now go take the MaiMai and get some sleep.”

“But--”

“Nuh-ah, Jude, you got work tomorrow morning, I’ll take care of the van. Will return it fixed and shiny before you go to Lizzie’s.”

Judy wanted to protest some more, but couldn’t find the right words. V was doing that dumb thing again when she looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the world, it was hard to argue when she got like that. “You get some sleep too, you hear?” she said in defeat. “And V? Whatever you do next, promise you’ll come back to me. Just think of the cake, V. The cake.”

“I promise.” V hugged her close and they stayed like that for a few precious moments before Judy pulled away and walked to the small red menace. Unable to help herself, Judy kept looking over her shoulder at the merc who watched her go until she drove off, disappearing from sight.

“What did you say back at the bar?” Johnny asked, pacing by her side. “You compared yourself to an idiot running around with scissors. You can’t make promises like that, V.”

“I know. It just means I will have to try that much harder, even if the game is rigged against me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Britney Sparks *cue voguing music* (I hate myself)
> 
> Post F in the comments for V, because if Smasher doesn't get her, Mama Welles will.


End file.
